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Jungle Cruise Jokes
Story of the Jungle Cruise

In-Line:

Those of you adventurers entering the world-famous Jungle Cruise, please notice there are two lines, one on the right and the other on the left. If you'd like to keep your family together, please stay in the same line. However, if there is someone in your family you'd like to get rid of, just put them in the opposite line and you'll never see them again.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.

To speed things up, we ask that you tell the loaders -- the men who will be helping you into the boats -- how many there are in your party. For instance, if there are four people in your party, say "Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are four people in my party..." and he will save you four seats. If there are eight people in your party, say " Hi, Mr. Smiling Boat Loader, there are eight people in my party..." and he will save you four seats.

Those of you who have just entered the Jungle Cruise are probably resigned to the fact that, being at the end of the line, you have a long wait. Well, we aim to please here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. So, on the count of three, I want everyone to turn around. One ... Two ... Three. There- those at the back of the line are now at the front. Doesn't that make you feel better?

Your attention, please. We do not allow cutting in line here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise. Anyone caught with a pair of scissors will be asked to leave.

There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.

Today only, ladies and gentlemen, we will be allowing veterans to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise without waiting... veterans of the Civil War, that is, in full dress uniforms, accompanied by their great grand parents and their horse. Everyone else will have to wait in line.

Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they've spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.

We have some pretty smart animals back in the jungle. Take monkeys, for example. You ask them to name one of their relatives, and they go ape. And snakes, they're pretty clever too. Ask them what the 19th letter of the alphabet is and they'll say S-S-S-S-S. Tigers are known for their intelligence, but you can't trust them. Yeah, you never know when they might be a lyin' (lion). But I think rhinoceroses are by far the smartest animal in the jungle. Just last week, I asked what four minus four is, and he said nothing.

Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.

It's a four hour wait from there. Have you been upstairs yet?



Other Assorted Jokes:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

Why did the elephant ride on the Jungle Cruise? Frankly, I don't know, but I wish someone would find out- he's sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Why did the ape get a job? He was tired of monkeying around. Why did the elephant quit his job? He was tired of working for peanuts.

Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Toucan. ... Toucan Who? ... Toucan not fit through the turnstiles at the same time.

Knock, Knock... Who's there? ... Safari. ... Safari Who? ... Safari, so good. You'll be on the Jungle Cruise in just a few minutes.



Boat Loading:

That cushion in that back of the boat is actually a whoopee cushion. Don’t believe me, go ahead sit down. (People sit, Skipper makes farting sound over PA.) How embarrassing and in front of people you don’t even know.

(To the boat loader) So how does that new vacuum of your work? Boat loader: It sucks!

Watch your step as you enter the boat. If you're entering from the back, come up to the front. If you're in the front, just follow the simple instructions of your simple minded loader.

Please listen to the boat loaders. They used to work in a sardine factory until they got canned. They didn't mind too much though- they worked for scale.

Come all the way to the front- up by me. There's no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.

Slide all the way forward now... That's the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!

Some of you might want to come up and sit on our sacrificial altar (pointing to the center cushion). We like to balance out the boat so when we sink, we go down evenly.

Please move in together as close as possible and try to cover up all of the blue seat cushions. There have been extensive scientific studies that have proven that the color blue attracts deadly flying piranhas. (Using color of boat for blue.)

Please remember that the tighter you get, the better the heating system on the boat works.

(As people load in the back) There's no dancing in the back there, folks... no dancing... you will have to be seated. Dancing is only allowed on the promenade deck.

If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.

I get paid for the number of people I take out... not the number I bring back!

Don't worry if it's crowded now... there'll be lots of room on the way back.

How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.

Let's get one thing straight... if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain (looking at nearby guest)... What did you say your name was?

Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah- you're sitting on the battery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn't it.

Come on to the front kids… You know I love kids… a little BBQ sauce, mustard, and catsup always helps though.



Pulling away from the dock:

Were out of here like a bad LA football team.

Welcome aboard the Leaki Tiki. Adventure lovers, my name is (name) and I'll be your captain- unless we run into trouble- in which case your new captain will be taking over. (looking at nearby guest)... What did you say your name was?

Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I'll be your skipper for as far as we get.

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is (name), and I'll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance instructor for the next three months.

Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name), and I'm going to be your skipper and guide for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

Where are you from (sir/madam)? (Guest answers) Sorry? (Guest repeats) Oh- I heard you the first time, I was just sorry.

Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the dock... They may never see you again.

Now, let's everyone turn around and wave good-bye to those people on the dock we've left behind. (In low voice) Come on folks... pretend like you're having a good time.

OK.. before we go much further, everyone raise your right hand and repeat after me. "I hope.... we do return". Good! Better turn and take one last look at the dock- you may never see it again!

Before I came to the Jungle, I worked in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. My boss almost beat the pulp out of me...

You know they saw you can always judge the quality of a ride by it’s line, well how long did you folks wait? My point exactly. (Good at night with short lines)

Hello and welcome to the world famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I’ll be your captain, cruise director and dance instructor for the next five exciting days and six romantic nights.

Your cadaverous pallor betrays an aura of foreboding, almost as though you sense a disquieting metamorphosis. Is this boat actually leaving the dock? Or is it your imagination? And consider this dismaying observation: this boat is completely surrounded with water, and I’m you skipper. Which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out! Of course you could always swim away!!!



Rain Forest:

As we leave the last outpost of civilization, we travel deep into the mouth of the Irrawaddy river of Asia into a tropical rain forests, where it rains some 365 days a year. (Alternate: We're now leaving the last outpost of civilization and entering the jungle by way of the Irrawaddy river of Burma.)

As you can see, countless varieties of plant life grow in abundance here. In fact, we've counted more than 100 varieties of rare bromeliads in this area. Many of these tropical plants get their nourishment simply from the air.

Now please watch out for these carnivorous vines (pointing). Last week, one of them reached into the back of the boat and pulled a woman right out. It was awful! And just before she disappeared, she was feeling just vine.

(Pointing) In fact she was sitting right where that (lady/man/girl/boy) in (color) is sitting!

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only the monkeys in the trees.

Feel that mist on your faces… Don’t worry that’s only poisonous bacteria that will eat you all alive



Indiana Jones Ride:

Look here we have a bunch a very strange jungle species, ya see that one there (pointing to a male) the one with the wider hips that’s the female of the species.

Look here we have a bunch of Asian albino hairless apes. Ya watch (waves to people, they wave back) monkey see, monkey do.

Over there is what we call the Indiana Jones Adventure and the Temple of the Four Hour Line.



Ancient Shrine:

See those crocodiles over there we have trained the to stay perfectly still so you can take better pictures.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are. The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

You know the crocs are always looking for a hand out. Ya but be careful, I once had an English teacher on board and she didn’t listen to me and now she’s teaching shorthand.



Elephant Pool:

Look here…it’s the republican national convention. You can take picture because they all have their trunks on. Oh by the way… If you want to see the Democrats they’re back at the Hunchback of Notre Dame Festival of Fools.

And it looks like a whole herd has come down to bathe! Don't scare them now... of course, the big shot gets the private shower... but I kind of like the little squirts myself.

And look at all the elephants out here today! This comes as a complete surprise to me cause I had no idea these guys were going to be here. If you want to take pictures go ahead- all the elephants have their trunks on.

And just ahead, you'll notice an alligator playing with an elephant. That's not a sight you'll see every day! (lower voice) But I will.

See that elephant right there, that's the richest elephant in the whole jungle. Yeah- it's 'Donald Trunk'.



Bengal Tiger:

(In low voice) That's no house cat over there. Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet, and we must be at least, well... 19 feet away!

That Bengal Tiger over there weighs about 500 pounds. He's looking right at you (sir/ma'am)- better keep smiling.

That Bengal Tiger can jump up to 35,000 feet...out of a plan that is.



Squirting Elephant:

As we leave the elephant pool, we head into... uh-oh- a big one is coming up on the right and it looks like he's aiming for us! (Elephant squirts over bow and goes down again, then comes up) Oh no! He's coming up again- you folks on the right get down! Well... I guess he didn't have time to reload. (or) Well… I guess he didn’t have enough trunk space.

OK, we're leaving the elephants now and pressing further into the... Wait a second, it looks like one of the larger elephants did not want to be disturbed. He's coming up again... you folks in the back get down! (After elephant does not squirt) Sir in the (middle/back)- that was very clever hiding behind the little child.

Oh, no what’s this? I’ll hurry up and go through…it looks like were not going to make it…those in the back may want to duck. You guys didn’t move you must have been frozen with fear.



Safari Outpost:

You know, a lot of safaris camp around this area. Hmm.... that could be one up ahead. (Points) Uh-oh... this one has some uninvited house guests! They do have a unique way of washing the dishes. (Points to water) Those gorillas sure did a sloppy job parking that jeep! But I guess monkeying around comes naturally to 'em.

Nothing to be concerned about. Just a bunch of gorillas having a good time. I wouldn't get too close, though. They may look like a nice bunch, but let me tell you- those guys are really animals.

Now please, if you're wearing yellow, don't make any noises like a banana... it drives them ape!

Ah, that explains things! It looks like that safari has some uninvited house guests! (pause) (Yelling to gorillas) Hey! Where'd you guys learns to parallel park anyway? (Back to guests) Ah, they're not listening. I guess they're too busy monkeying around.



Plants:

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one... (Point left, point rear left, point right, etc)

Anybody know the names of those? Anybody? Oh well.

See that bamboo over there? It grows to be 6 stories tall, but people say it can grow to 7 stories but that’s a whole other story.



Gorillas & Crocodile:

Now there's a croc with a snappy personality! Ha- he's going to get himself a knuckle sandwich if he's not careful.

Well, will you look at that- some of the camp's food made it downstream. But I don't think it's going to waste.

Look there that’s something you don’t see every day… I do.. every day every 15 minutes



Schweitzer Falls:

(Skipper has back to falls, distracted by the gorilla/croc scene) Uh- oh, lean in back there! Lean in! (motions to guests and spins wheel around) Whew! That was close!

And now, we're approaching the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, named after that famous African explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

This is the backside of Schweitzer Falls, named for the backside of the famous explorer, Dr. Albert Falls.

Ahead is beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and I (wheel appears to jam and skipper tries to free) Oh no! You folks in the back lean in! Duck! Whew! That was close!

(Not necessarily approved) Don't worry about the waterfall; it won't get you wet. The water in the falls, like everything else at Disneyland, is completely synthetic.

To the left is the beautiful Schweitzer Falls, and if you look over here to your right.... and then back to your left, you can have a second look at Schweitzer Falls.



Nile River:

We've turned on to the Nile river of Africa, the longest river in the world, winding across more than 4000 miles.

We’ve now turned down the Nile river the longest river in all of Anaheim that’s right a whole 200 feet.

We’ve now turned down the Nile river and if you don’t believe that you must be in denial.



Bull Elephants:

Up on the Elephants bank, we have African bull elephants. Those enormous ears and great tusks distinguish them from the Indian elephants we saw earlier.

On the left bank there- it's a huge bull elephant. The large sloping forehead and enormous ears mark the African bull, the second most feared animal in the jungle. On the other, THE most feared animal in the jungle- his wife!

Look there, that’s Skippy (alt: Speedy, Dumbo) the fastest elephant in the jungle watch (lights first elephant then flashes it to the elephant on the right) Pretty amazing huh?



African Veldt:

Look at that family of baboons, ya, that Pat Baboon, Debbie Baboon, Daniel Baboon, and the hair stylist Vidal Baboon .

Oh look, those lions are protecting that sleeping Zebra.

Look it’s Simba and Nala from the Lion King.

How do you tell the difference between the male and female Zebra’s. The males have black and white stripes and the females have white and black stripes.

(Pointing) By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle- "survival of the fittest."

Oh, it looks like the entire baboon family has come down to the water's edge today, along with the other residents of the African veldt. See the striped animals over there? Those are zebras. And the big tall ones with the long necks? Those are giraffes. And the black ones over here with horns- well, I've never seen them before. They must be gnu!

We're about to enter the Africa veldt, an immense grassland home to an endless variety of wildlife- baboons, wildebeests, giraffes, gazelles, gnus, g-lions, g-zebras. (hard g-sounds)

Here's a little advice. Never play poker in the jungle, because there are lots of cheetahs around. If they say they're not a cheetah, then they're probably just a lion.



Trapped Safari (Rhino):

Hey I know that guy on the bottom, his names Juan. Ya, and it looks like that rino is going to get a hole in Juan.

There's that lost safari we've been looking for. Obviously mixed up in some kind of native uprising.

Well, bottoms up, fellows, I'm sure you'll get the point... in the end!

Uh-oh... look! That safari's in a tight spot there. But that rhino seems more than willing to give them a lift.

That rhino seems to be getting his point across, and I'm sure that guy on the bottom will get it in the end!

Well- you know what they say... safari, so good. So I guess we'll be moving on.



Hippo Pool:

We are now turning onto a pool of dangerous hippos, so please, sit still and don't rock the boat. These huge creatures are quite curious and could easily upset our boat. So please, don't do anything that might attract them!

Last week, they overturned six of our boats... only FIVE of them were MINE, though!.

Don't worry, the natives tell me that they are only dangerous when they wiggle their ears and blow bubbles....

How many of you are willing to go on? (show of hands) How many of you want to turn back? How many of you are apathetic about the situations?

Uh-oh... it looks like one of them's going to try to charge our boat! (shoots) Looks like we've scared them off. I bet he'll have a headache tomorrow!

If we're all real quiet, you can sometimes hear the baby hippos calling for their mothers. (Low voice) Shhh- be real quite now... listen .... (leaning out of boat, yells) "Hey mom!"

Now as we enter the Hippo pool, I want to tell you about a ancient ritual that they have… They place their young in the trees to feed on the leaves until they are 6000lbs and then they cannon ball through the jungle foliage to the boats below and sink them to the bottom of the jungle rivers a whole 2.5 feet down. Oh, look there’s one now (shoots up into the trees).



Entering Head Hunter Country:

We're entering headhunter country now... be very quiet. In that canoe over there... the remains of my last crew. They had a good time, even to the end- they're still smiling.

Shhh... we're entering headhunter country now... don't make a sound. In that canoe over there... some of the native's arts and crafts. Art's the one on the top!

We're not out of danger yet- this is headhunter territory. Remove your jewelry please. The natives have been complaining of indigestion.



Native Village:

The natives seem to be celebrating the kill of that lion... maybe we can sneak by. Don't attract their attention.

I studied their language in college lets see if I can pick up a little… Put your right foot in, shake it all about, Put your right foot out, shake it all about…

Hey look it’s the Village People, let’s see what they’re saying.. Y-M-C-A…

This group is trying to come up with a name for themselves for their upcoming CD, they have two choices, either the Village People or Fine Young Cannibals.



Attacking Natives:

Keep your eyes on these bushes on the right there. (Turns around quickly) They're on the LEFT this time.

Uh-oh, it looks like a native war party on the left. You folks, please get down on the floor. (Makes whooshing sound into mike) Ah, those are spears by the way.

Women and children- stand up! All the men- get down! If they hit you with a spear, just pull it out and throw it back at them- we're not allowed to keep souvenirs. We certainly don't want you to be stuck with it for the rest of the trip.

On the left, a friendly group of native traders. Ukka Mucka Lucka... Ubonga Swahili Ungawa... Wagga Kuna Nui Ka... It's a good thing I speak their language. (Turns to guest) They want to trade their coconuts for your (wife/child/husband)... I think we should hold out for at least four.

Okay ladies and gentlemen the native usually attack from the right hand side of the boat. (Native attack) Wait one minute here!!! What are you guys doing on the left side of the boat??? You know I told you to attack from the right and another thing what are you doing just standing looking stupid with those spears in your hand your supposed to throw them! Get back down and try that one again! (Timing is right so the natives go back down on skippers command)



Falls:

(Must be done at night) Folks we have reached my favorite part of the ride. That’s because Disneyland has to spend $75,000 to put this on. (Skipper flashes lights on boat and starts humming to the tune of Fantasmic!)

Now I’ll show you a little preview of Fantasmic! (Starts shining light on the water and humming to the tune of Fantasmic!)

Beautiful Schweitzer Falls is upon us again. The overhanging rock formation will afford us a different view this time. I have a special treat for you, folks. You may never have seen this before... there it is- the backside of water!

Now hold onto your seat cushions because we're about to do something really special- no extra charge. Are you ready? We're now going UNDER water!



Toucan:

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle.

Toucan do much better than one can.

Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack.



Rapids of Kilimanjaro:

Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp and dangerous rocks through here... notice the huge waves crashing against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)

Ho hum... here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb and index finger.)

(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel free.

If we start sinking, we'll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest) You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

Hang on... we're coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color not on boat) They're the only ones that float.

We're now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we're going to be bouncing up and down a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It's sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite. (Alternate: See that rock right there, it's actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)



Python/Water Buffaloes:

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? (People answer with the names of kinds of snake) No, it a plastic snake.

Python’s are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Uh-oh... Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo... Actually, he's very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!



Trader Sam:

There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There's old Trader Sam... Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.

Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he’s a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.



Return to Civilization:

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say (In a feminine voice) Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Charley Browns teacher would say (In the teachers weird voice) Wa, wa, wa…etc. And now as Millie Vinille would say (mouths the words) Thank You for riding and have a good day.

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law" special... halfway for half fare, no questions asked.